Mail from a Chain-mail Victim

Hi,

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2005 & 2006.
 
Because of your kindness : 
  • I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
  • I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
  • I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
  • I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
  • I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
  • When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
  • I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
  • I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
  • My  free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.  
  • Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property who died in a plane crash with all his family, and also leaving no relatives,  of some hundred thousand million $.
  • Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone  else)....maybe they must've forwarded it many times much before I had done it.
 
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will SH** on your head today at any time.

Thanks and Regards,  
a frustrated (still hopeful)  chain mail victim!!  

Love this doctor - For his advice



 
 
 
 
I love this Doctor  

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.

   
Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
   
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  
   
Want to live longer?  Take a nap.  

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.

   
And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient
   
mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.  
   
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  
   
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine,
    that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
   
of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  

   
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

         Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
       
A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  
             
In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for  you?  

        Q
:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around  the middle?
       
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
             
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach.  

       
Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?  
       
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
             
It's the best feel-good   food around!

     
Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  
       
A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.

       
Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle?  
       
A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape!  

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about  food  and diets.

And  remember:

'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body,
but rather  to skid in sideways

 
Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and  
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'

   
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.  

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat

     
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat

     
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine

     
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine

     
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.  

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  

     
and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.