Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
---engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why?
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said,"Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works !"
Child custody
This Happened for real....
A Court Case
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story, too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh -- the man WON!
A Court Case
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story, too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh -- the man WON!
Chinese Chicken
There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including calling "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father was very supportive.
Before his son left, the father told the son, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,if you need to call chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mum will not suspect."
So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill from the son (shooting bird - $1000).
Subsequently for the next few month, the bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father could not tolerate this any more, so he wrote to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It wrote: "Shooting Bird - $50 Rifle Repair - $2,000"
One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father was very supportive.
Before his son left, the father told the son, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,if you need to call chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mum will not suspect."
So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill from the son (shooting bird - $1000).
Subsequently for the next few month, the bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father could not tolerate this any more, so he wrote to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It wrote: "Shooting Bird - $50 Rifle Repair - $2,000"
Photo Finish: Good one
The Herberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the livingroom floor is fun too. You can really spread out !"
Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.
I'm sure." Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his Baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your....equipment?"
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long....Madam ........... Madam ?
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the livingroom floor is fun too. You can really spread out !"
Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.
I'm sure." Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his Baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your....equipment?"
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long....Madam ........... Madam ?
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Kiss - Definition
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
** Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss isA few bits of love compiled into A byte.
** Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
** Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
** Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
** Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
** Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
** Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
** Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
** Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is A credit because it is profitable when returned.
** Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
** Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
** Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
** Prof. of English:
A kiss is A noun that is used asA conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
** Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
** Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss isA few bits of love compiled into A byte.
** Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
** Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
** Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
** Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
** Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
** Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
** Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
** Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is A credit because it is profitable when returned.
** Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
** Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
** Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
** Prof. of English:
A kiss is A noun that is used asA conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
** Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
New element of the periodic table
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg; isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film
2. Boils at room Temperature
3. Freezes without any known reason
4. Melts if given special treatment
5. Bitter if incorrectly used
6. Found in various states, ranging from metals to common ore
7. Ductile
8. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
!!! WARNING !!!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS !
NOTE: New properties are still being discovered. Please wait for updates.
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