This is a nice game where a girl throw rocks at boys (How insane these girls must be?)
Girls, Do you hate Boys?
Well you can vent your hatred here...
This is a nice game where a girl throw rocks at boys (How insane these girls must be?)
This is a nice game where a girl throw rocks at boys (How insane these girls must be?)
Tongue Twisters
Some cool Tongue Twisters, have fun !
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,
but if you wish the wish the witch wishes,
I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought, I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn't have thought so much.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where as the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!
Do not trouble till trouble troubles you
if you trouble then troubles will trouble you.
Say this sharply, say this sweetly,
Say this shortly, say this softly.
Say this sixteen times in succession.
Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.
Bitty bought a bit of butter
that butter was a bitter butter
so he bought a better butter
to make bitter butter a better butter.
Little bought a little butter
it was little little to a litre.
so he bought a little butter
to make little butter a litre butter.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,
but if you wish the wish the witch wishes,
I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought, I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn't have thought so much.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where as the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!
Do not trouble till trouble troubles you
if you trouble then troubles will trouble you.
Say this sharply, say this sweetly,
Say this shortly, say this softly.
Say this sixteen times in succession.
Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.
Bitty bought a bit of butter
that butter was a bitter butter
so he bought a better butter
to make bitter butter a better butter.
Little bought a little butter
it was little little to a litre.
so he bought a little butter
to make little butter a litre butter.
How to impress a Client
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Tom," he said.
…
…
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…
…
…
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I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting!"
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Tom," he said.
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
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I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting!"
Some Shayari
Jab jab gira baadal, teri yaad aai,
Jhoom ke barsa saawan, teri yaad aai,
Bheega main, lekin phir bhi teri yaad aai,
Kiyun na aaye teri yaad?
Tune jo chhatri ab tak nahi lautai...
-------------------------------------------
Dil ka dard dil todne waley kya jaaney,
Pyar ke rivajon ko zamana kya jaaney,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki ko pataney main,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kiya jaaney
------------------------------------------
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
To aaj ke lunch ka bill tu bhar.
Jhoom ke barsa saawan, teri yaad aai,
Bheega main, lekin phir bhi teri yaad aai,
Kiyun na aaye teri yaad?
Tune jo chhatri ab tak nahi lautai...
-------------------------------------------
Dil ka dard dil todne waley kya jaaney,
Pyar ke rivajon ko zamana kya jaaney,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki ko pataney main,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kiya jaaney
------------------------------------------
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
To aaj ke lunch ka bill tu bhar.
Sardar - Tiger
Sardar Dhakaan Singh is big hunter.
Once he went to a zoo. At that time big tiger escaped from its cage. The zoo officials sent everyone out of the zoo and closed the main gate. Now the tiger is inside the zoo but wandering freely. Zoo people requested Sardar to go inside and trap the tiger in a cage. Scared but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun. While driving on one of the zoo's roads, he noticed that the tiger is chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep fast but only to observe that the tiger is very near to the jeep.
At that time the road separated into two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right. Then cleverly, Dhakaan Singh put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the road on right. The tiger runs into the left path. With a sigh of relief, he drove forward.
After some time the roads meet and the same situation arises again. Once more the road divides into two and this time our Sardar is smart enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the tiger goes into the road on right side.
After some time the roads meet again to our Sardar's misfortune and the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our Sardar thought the tiger would catch him.
Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left corner of the road. Then he held his hand outside and a gives signal which is given for vehicles which want to overtake. The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs forward and dissappears!
NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY??
ANSWER BELOW............
Scroll down...
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MORAL: "There are Sardar Communities in Tigers too"
Funny SMS
Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of _expression many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.
Once god came up 2 me granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U ME laughing, U ME crying, U ME dreaming, U ME holding on, U ME... just U ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. ME checking U.
I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2 hurt u and I feel it's best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............ Potato Prices Have Gone Up!
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright.
Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of _expression many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.
Once god came up 2 me granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U ME laughing, U ME crying, U ME dreaming, U ME holding on, U ME... just U ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. ME checking U.
I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2 hurt u and I feel it's best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............ Potato Prices Have Gone Up!
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright.
Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT
Texas: Everything's BIG
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Legal Consultation
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Smart Question - Dumb Answer
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one!)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. Wet
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A. Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one!)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. Wet
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A. Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
College Finals
At Duke University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an
"A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
"A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Got Drunk!
I had Wiskey-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Rum-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Brandy-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Gin-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
FINALLY.... I have decided...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2 GIVE UP water !
& GOT DRUNK
I had Rum-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Brandy-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Gin-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
FINALLY.... I have decided...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2 GIVE UP water !
Taxi Passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
Husband Shopping Center
A "husband shopping center" has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store has six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
Manager & Engineer
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now you make me feel that somehow it's my fault".
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now you make me feel that somehow it's my fault".
Big zero
Teacher : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
Sardar & Ladder
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower. When someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder. "
Ever drove a Honda?
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi honda chalaya kya?'(Ever drove a Honda?) and sped off. The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn...in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again 'Kabhi honda chalaya kya?'(Ever drove a Honda?) and sped off. This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and looked at the sardar 'Kyon Sardarji, Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?'(What Sardarji.. Ever drove a Honda?)
The sardar said 'Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond raha tha' (That is what I was asking you, coz I was searching for brakes)
The sardar said 'Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond raha tha' (That is what I was asking you, coz I was searching for brakes)
Sardar & Car sale
A sardar wanted to sell his old battered maruti car which had done more than 100,000kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea.
A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000kms!"
A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000kms!"
Surds go fishing
Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to shore.
The first surd says: I hope u remember the spot where u caught all those fish.
The other answers: Yes, I made 'X' mark on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
U idiot, replies the first, how do u know u will get the same boat tommorrow?
The first surd says: I hope u remember the spot where u caught all those fish.
The other answers: Yes, I made 'X' mark on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
U idiot, replies the first, how do u know u will get the same boat tommorrow?
Funny Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Cherry bomb - Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." Then he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." Then he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
How I got into Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1
SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4
BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5
INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4
BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5
INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Cook a Turkey
How to cook a Turkey (while drinking)
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself o pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself o pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Joining the CIA
Three men go for interviews with the CIA. One of the requirements for the interviewing process is that you have to bring a family member.
The first guy makes it through the interview, and he's thinking, "This is great, this is what I've always wanted to do. It's perfect." At the end of the interview the interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
The man replies, "Yes, I brought my mother, she's in the next room."
The interviewer says,"Okay, I want you to take this gun, go in the room, and shoot your mother."
The man says, "Wow, I'm sorry, but I can't shoot my mother." The interviewer tells him, "I'm sorry, part of being in the CIA is that you can never question orders."
The next man comes in for the interview, same thing happens. He's totally excited and wants the job. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
He says, "Yes, I brought my brother." The interviewer tells him, "I want you to take this gun, go in the next room and shoot your brother."
The man replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."
He also doesn't get the job.
The third man interviews, same thing happens. He thinks he's the right guy for the job and he's totally into joining the CIA. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?" He says, "Ya, I brought my wife." The interviewer tells him I want you to take this gun, go into the next room and shoot your wife."
The man replies, "Well, okay."
He goes in to the room and the interviewer hears three gunshots followed by a bunch of struggling and loud banging.
He goes in the room and says, "What are you doing!" The interviewee answers, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with the chair."
The first guy makes it through the interview, and he's thinking, "This is great, this is what I've always wanted to do. It's perfect." At the end of the interview the interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
The man replies, "Yes, I brought my mother, she's in the next room."
The interviewer says,"Okay, I want you to take this gun, go in the room, and shoot your mother."
The man says, "Wow, I'm sorry, but I can't shoot my mother." The interviewer tells him, "I'm sorry, part of being in the CIA is that you can never question orders."
The next man comes in for the interview, same thing happens. He's totally excited and wants the job. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
He says, "Yes, I brought my brother." The interviewer tells him, "I want you to take this gun, go in the next room and shoot your brother."
The man replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."
He also doesn't get the job.
The third man interviews, same thing happens. He thinks he's the right guy for the job and he's totally into joining the CIA. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?" He says, "Ya, I brought my wife." The interviewer tells him I want you to take this gun, go into the next room and shoot your wife."
The man replies, "Well, okay."
He goes in to the room and the interviewer hears three gunshots followed by a bunch of struggling and loud banging.
He goes in the room and says, "What are you doing!" The interviewee answers, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with the chair."
Shayari - Infotech
roz subha hum karte hai
itne pyar se unhe good morning
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 error but 5 warning
hum samajhte the woh ladki hai seedhi saadi
uska blueprint dekha to cuboid nikla
socha tha kuch bhaav denge to return milega
uska to prototype hi void nikla
tumhare samne hain itne sample
kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
hamare pyar ke icon pe
kabhi to click karo
woh samajhte hain dil tod diya
to hum dead hain
woh nahin jaante ki is dil main
aur kitne thread hain
shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye
dil ko aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye
MBT kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain
problem hai ki bus voh
read only hain
na jaane mere pyar kee
kisne laggadi sweep
aaj hamne in kiya
to nahin aayee woh beep
kaise milega tumhara saath batado
apne dil ka poora path batado
jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga
tu naa mili to tujhe
Shift delete kar doonga
I really get confused when i see a beautiful damsel
my heart always asks yes no cancel
itne pyar se unhe good morning
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 error but 5 warning
hum samajhte the woh ladki hai seedhi saadi
uska blueprint dekha to cuboid nikla
socha tha kuch bhaav denge to return milega
uska to prototype hi void nikla
tumhare samne hain itne sample
kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
hamare pyar ke icon pe
kabhi to click karo
woh samajhte hain dil tod diya
to hum dead hain
woh nahin jaante ki is dil main
aur kitne thread hain
shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye
dil ko aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye
MBT kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain
problem hai ki bus voh
read only hain
na jaane mere pyar kee
kisne laggadi sweep
aaj hamne in kiya
to nahin aayee woh beep
kaise milega tumhara saath batado
apne dil ka poora path batado
jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga
tu naa mili to tujhe
Shift delete kar doonga
I really get confused when i see a beautiful damsel
my heart always asks yes no cancel
Fastest thing in the World
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on...."
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on...."
Clinton - Tragedy
President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton,
was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton,
was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Beware of wife
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------------------A
good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* Milton Berle
--------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
--------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
--------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
--------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
--------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
--------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
--------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
--------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
--------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
--------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
--------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
--------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
--------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------------------A
good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* Milton Berle
--------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
--------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
--------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
--------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
--------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
--------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
--------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
--------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
--------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
--------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
--------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
--------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
--------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Shayari
1) aapne mere man se khela
aapne mere tan se khela
aapne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu
jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu.
magar teri bahti hui naak ne iraada badal diya
4) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
5) Woh chham chham karke aayee
Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee
Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha
Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee.
6) Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nikla (wah wah).
7) Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Splash !
8) Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
9) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
10) Khud ko kar buland itnaa
Ke' Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche
aur khuda tumse puche
'Abe sale gadhe. ab utrega kaise '
11) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
12) Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi.
13) Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
La, phawda mujhe de.(Wah Wah)
14) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
15) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath
16) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
17) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
18) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
AB HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI. Big deal!
19) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
20) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
21) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
22) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
24) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
25) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
26) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
27) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti.
28) Apple kat ta hoon knife se,
Paani peeta hoon pipe se,
Kya zamana aaa gaya,
Joote khata hoon wife se
aapne mere tan se khela
aapne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu
jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu.
magar teri bahti hui naak ne iraada badal diya
4) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
5) Woh chham chham karke aayee
Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee
Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha
Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee.
6) Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nikla (wah wah).
7) Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Splash !
8) Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
9) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
10) Khud ko kar buland itnaa
Ke' Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche
aur khuda tumse puche
'Abe sale gadhe. ab utrega kaise '
11) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
12) Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi.
13) Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
La, phawda mujhe de.(Wah Wah)
14) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
15) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath
16) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
17) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
18) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
AB HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI. Big deal!
19) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
20) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
21) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
22) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
24) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
25) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
26) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
27) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti.
28) Apple kat ta hoon knife se,
Paani peeta hoon pipe se,
Kya zamana aaa gaya,
Joote khata hoon wife se
Letter from a S/W Professional
A Letter from a S/W Professional to his girl friend
Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time,I've been lonely,this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter,I just want to convey you that, if we are linked together,I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,my system will crash beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
---A Software Professional
Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time,I've been lonely,this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter,I just want to convey you that, if we are linked together,I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,my system will crash beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
---A Software Professional
Real Court scenes
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
----------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
----------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------
Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
----------------------------
Q: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
----------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
----------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
----------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------
Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
----------------------------
Q: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
----------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
What they really mean...
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,and later kills you with his bills.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atomic Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Rumour : News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Classic : An item which people praise, but do not use it.
Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gains her master's.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
IT Professional : One who gets paid for sending and receiving e-mails, like this one!
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