Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees ".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her? "
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer? "
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now you ate one developer and it got noticed. "
Why men are happier people
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Poetic Resignation - funny!
The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.
The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!
The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.
I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.
IT Consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple ," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back? "
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple ," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back? "
Problem
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he
called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the garden. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!
called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the garden. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!
BOEING! BOEING!!
Our Sardarji got an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. Sardarji had never flied before and hence was quite excited although tense. Once he boarded the plane, a BOEING 707 Sardaji started jumping in excitement,jumping from seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'. He forgot all about the surroundings and the shouting reached the cock-pit.
Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '.
There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was looking at the Sardarji and the angry Pilot.
Sardarji stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment was shouting, 'OEING! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '.
There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was looking at the Sardarji and the angry Pilot.
Sardarji stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment was shouting, 'OEING! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
Ladies.... keep quiet!
Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
It's funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage".
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now... may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
It's funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage".
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now... may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
Funny Ad - Pepsi over Coke
Nice Ad.
A boy goes to a vending machine to fetch Pepsi... but... using Coke.
But the BusinessWeek Online study says Coke is far "over" the Pepsi...
A boy goes to a vending machine to fetch Pepsi... but... using Coke.
But the BusinessWeek Online study says Coke is far "over" the Pepsi...
Man and his Money
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money with me when I die."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check."
Alcohol Consumption
- consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
- consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
- consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
- consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
- consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
- consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
- consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
Funny Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
7 Reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Coded message
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Lessons In Management
Management Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." "The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions. The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." "The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions. The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Computer Shayari
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: "Your file not found"!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't like your face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
Main tumhein pyaar kyun karoon,tum nahi ho Ash,
Phir bhi tumhe dekh kar mera,system hota hai crash
Jo sadiyon se hota aaya hai...woh repeat kar doonga
Tu naa mili to tujhe....Shift delete kar doonga
Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain...aur lonely hain
Problem hai ki bus voh...read only hain
Shayad mere pyar ko taste...karna bhool gaye
Dil ko aisa cut kiya...ke paste karna bhool gaye
Woh samajhte hain dil tod diya to hum dead hain
Woh nahin jaante ki is dil main aur kitne thread hain
Tumhare samne hain itne sample ...kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
Hamare pyar ke icon pe....kabhi to click karo
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: "Your file not found"!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't like your face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
Main tumhein pyaar kyun karoon,tum nahi ho Ash,
Phir bhi tumhe dekh kar mera,system hota hai crash
Jo sadiyon se hota aaya hai...woh repeat kar doonga
Tu naa mili to tujhe....Shift delete kar doonga
Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain...aur lonely hain
Problem hai ki bus voh...read only hain
Shayad mere pyar ko taste...karna bhool gaye
Dil ko aisa cut kiya...ke paste karna bhool gaye
Woh samajhte hain dil tod diya to hum dead hain
Woh nahin jaante ki is dil main aur kitne thread hain
Tumhare samne hain itne sample ...kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
Hamare pyar ke icon pe....kabhi to click karo
My resignation
My Dear collegues,
Finally I took a brave decision. Tomorrow will be my last day here, I would like to inform each and everyone of you of my decision.
I am leaving this company as I have got a small job as a football coach. It is quite far from here. Anyways, I will miss u guys.
Wishing you all the best of luck for your future.
Keep in touch.
I will send you all my new mobile number when I reach there.
Keep Smiling...
bye...
P .S. I am attaching a small photograph of the team that I am going to coach there. It came with the offer letter...
Finally I took a brave decision. Tomorrow will be my last day here, I would like to inform each and everyone of you of my decision.
I am leaving this company as I have got a small job as a football coach. It is quite far from here. Anyways, I will miss u guys.
Wishing you all the best of luck for your future.
Keep in touch.
I will send you all my new mobile number when I reach there.
Keep Smiling...
bye...
P .S. I am attaching a small photograph of the team that I am going to coach there. It came with the offer letter...
Guess the Festival
Can you guess which Indian Festival this is?
If you thought it is Krishna Janmastmi... then you are WRONG!
It is a festival celebrating the bond of affection between brothers and sisters ;)
It is Raksha Bhandhan
If you thought it is Krishna Janmastmi... then you are WRONG!
It is a festival celebrating the bond of affection between brothers and sisters ;)
It is Raksha Bhandhan
Love vs. Arranged marriage
| Love Marriage | Arranged Marriage |
| Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like. | Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted. |
| It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain . | Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible |
| Family system hangs because hardware (called parents) is not responding. | Compatible with hardware (Parents). |
| You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life. | You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life . |
| Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc . | All these features are covered in the SRS as required features. |
| Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy. | Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back! |
| Love Marriage is like Windows , beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash.... | Arranged Marriage is like Unix ... boring n colorless... still extremely reliable n robust |
Best SMS of the Year
3rd Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
2nd Best SMS:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Top SMS:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
At the Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the tea cup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon and the cup."
"No" said the director - A normal person would........
"A normal person would pull the plug and let the water flow out"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the tea cup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon and the cup."
"No" said the director - A normal person would........
"A normal person would pull the plug and let the water flow out"
How Smart ?
How Smart Is Your Right Foot ?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And even if you keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot... you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And even if you keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot... you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
Twelve Pound Gold
A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a "twelve pound nugget of gold". The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a "twelve pound nugget of gold"?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
Flight Attendant
This joke is from our dutch collegue
A guy, sitting in Danny's Bar at Singapore's Changi Airport, noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airlines Slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the f**k do you want?
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,
and said, "Ahhhhh...... KLM !"
A guy, sitting in Danny's Bar at Singapore's Changi Airport, noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airlines Slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the f**k do you want?
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,
and said, "Ahhhhh...... KLM !"
Two Italians
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
A Young Camel
A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in this zoo?"
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in this zoo?"
Girls, Do you hate Boys?
Well you can vent your hatred here...
This is a nice game where a girl throw rocks at boys (How insane these girls must be?)
This is a nice game where a girl throw rocks at boys (How insane these girls must be?)
Tongue Twisters
Some cool Tongue Twisters, have fun !
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,
but if you wish the wish the witch wishes,
I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought, I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn't have thought so much.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where as the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!
Do not trouble till trouble troubles you
if you trouble then troubles will trouble you.
Say this sharply, say this sweetly,
Say this shortly, say this softly.
Say this sixteen times in succession.
Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.
Bitty bought a bit of butter
that butter was a bitter butter
so he bought a better butter
to make bitter butter a better butter.
Little bought a little butter
it was little little to a litre.
so he bought a little butter
to make little butter a litre butter.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,
but if you wish the wish the witch wishes,
I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought, I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn't have thought so much.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where as the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!
Do not trouble till trouble troubles you
if you trouble then troubles will trouble you.
Say this sharply, say this sweetly,
Say this shortly, say this softly.
Say this sixteen times in succession.
Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.
Bitty bought a bit of butter
that butter was a bitter butter
so he bought a better butter
to make bitter butter a better butter.
Little bought a little butter
it was little little to a litre.
so he bought a little butter
to make little butter a litre butter.
How to impress a Client
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Tom," he said.
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I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting!"
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Tom," he said.
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I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting!"
Some Shayari
Jab jab gira baadal, teri yaad aai,
Jhoom ke barsa saawan, teri yaad aai,
Bheega main, lekin phir bhi teri yaad aai,
Kiyun na aaye teri yaad?
Tune jo chhatri ab tak nahi lautai...
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Dil ka dard dil todne waley kya jaaney,
Pyar ke rivajon ko zamana kya jaaney,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki ko pataney main,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kiya jaaney
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Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
To aaj ke lunch ka bill tu bhar.
Jhoom ke barsa saawan, teri yaad aai,
Bheega main, lekin phir bhi teri yaad aai,
Kiyun na aaye teri yaad?
Tune jo chhatri ab tak nahi lautai...
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Dil ka dard dil todne waley kya jaaney,
Pyar ke rivajon ko zamana kya jaaney,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki ko pataney main,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kiya jaaney
------------------------------------------
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
To aaj ke lunch ka bill tu bhar.
Sardar - Tiger
Sardar Dhakaan Singh is big hunter.
Once he went to a zoo. At that time big tiger escaped from its cage. The zoo officials sent everyone out of the zoo and closed the main gate. Now the tiger is inside the zoo but wandering freely. Zoo people requested Sardar to go inside and trap the tiger in a cage. Scared but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun. While driving on one of the zoo's roads, he noticed that the tiger is chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep fast but only to observe that the tiger is very near to the jeep.
At that time the road separated into two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right. Then cleverly, Dhakaan Singh put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the road on right. The tiger runs into the left path. With a sigh of relief, he drove forward.
After some time the roads meet and the same situation arises again. Once more the road divides into two and this time our Sardar is smart enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the tiger goes into the road on right side.
After some time the roads meet again to our Sardar's misfortune and the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our Sardar thought the tiger would catch him.
Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left corner of the road. Then he held his hand outside and a gives signal which is given for vehicles which want to overtake. The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs forward and dissappears!
NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY??
ANSWER BELOW............
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MORAL: "There are Sardar Communities in Tigers too"
Funny SMS
Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of _expression many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.
Once god came up 2 me granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U ME laughing, U ME crying, U ME dreaming, U ME holding on, U ME... just U ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. ME checking U.
I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2 hurt u and I feel it's best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............ Potato Prices Have Gone Up!
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright.
Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of _expression many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.
Once god came up 2 me granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U ME laughing, U ME crying, U ME dreaming, U ME holding on, U ME... just U ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. ME checking U.
I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2 hurt u and I feel it's best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............ Potato Prices Have Gone Up!
This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright.
Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT
Texas: Everything's BIG
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Legal Consultation
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Smart Question - Dumb Answer
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one!)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. Wet
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A. Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one!)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. Wet
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A. Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
College Finals
At Duke University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an
"A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
"A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Got Drunk!
I had Wiskey-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Rum-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Brandy-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Gin-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
FINALLY.... I have decided...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2 GIVE UP water !
& GOT DRUNK
I had Rum-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Brandy-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
I had Gin-WATER....
& GOT DRUNK
FINALLY.... I have decided...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2 GIVE UP water !
Taxi Passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
Husband Shopping Center
A "husband shopping center" has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store has six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
Manager & Engineer
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now you make me feel that somehow it's my fault".
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now you make me feel that somehow it's my fault".
Big zero
Teacher : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
Sardar & Ladder
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower. When someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder. "
Ever drove a Honda?
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi honda chalaya kya?'(Ever drove a Honda?) and sped off. The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn...in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again 'Kabhi honda chalaya kya?'(Ever drove a Honda?) and sped off. This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and looked at the sardar 'Kyon Sardarji, Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?'(What Sardarji.. Ever drove a Honda?)
The sardar said 'Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond raha tha' (That is what I was asking you, coz I was searching for brakes)
The sardar said 'Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond raha tha' (That is what I was asking you, coz I was searching for brakes)
Sardar & Car sale
A sardar wanted to sell his old battered maruti car which had done more than 100,000kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea.
A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000kms!"
A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000kms!"
Surds go fishing
Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to shore.
The first surd says: I hope u remember the spot where u caught all those fish.
The other answers: Yes, I made 'X' mark on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
U idiot, replies the first, how do u know u will get the same boat tommorrow?
The first surd says: I hope u remember the spot where u caught all those fish.
The other answers: Yes, I made 'X' mark on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
U idiot, replies the first, how do u know u will get the same boat tommorrow?
Funny Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Cherry bomb - Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." Then he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." Then he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
How I got into Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1
SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4
BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5
INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4
BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5
INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Cook a Turkey
How to cook a Turkey (while drinking)
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself o pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself o pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Joining the CIA
Three men go for interviews with the CIA. One of the requirements for the interviewing process is that you have to bring a family member.
The first guy makes it through the interview, and he's thinking, "This is great, this is what I've always wanted to do. It's perfect." At the end of the interview the interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
The man replies, "Yes, I brought my mother, she's in the next room."
The interviewer says,"Okay, I want you to take this gun, go in the room, and shoot your mother."
The man says, "Wow, I'm sorry, but I can't shoot my mother." The interviewer tells him, "I'm sorry, part of being in the CIA is that you can never question orders."
The next man comes in for the interview, same thing happens. He's totally excited and wants the job. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
He says, "Yes, I brought my brother." The interviewer tells him, "I want you to take this gun, go in the next room and shoot your brother."
The man replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."
He also doesn't get the job.
The third man interviews, same thing happens. He thinks he's the right guy for the job and he's totally into joining the CIA. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?" He says, "Ya, I brought my wife." The interviewer tells him I want you to take this gun, go into the next room and shoot your wife."
The man replies, "Well, okay."
He goes in to the room and the interviewer hears three gunshots followed by a bunch of struggling and loud banging.
He goes in the room and says, "What are you doing!" The interviewee answers, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with the chair."
The first guy makes it through the interview, and he's thinking, "This is great, this is what I've always wanted to do. It's perfect." At the end of the interview the interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
The man replies, "Yes, I brought my mother, she's in the next room."
The interviewer says,"Okay, I want you to take this gun, go in the room, and shoot your mother."
The man says, "Wow, I'm sorry, but I can't shoot my mother." The interviewer tells him, "I'm sorry, part of being in the CIA is that you can never question orders."
The next man comes in for the interview, same thing happens. He's totally excited and wants the job. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"
He says, "Yes, I brought my brother." The interviewer tells him, "I want you to take this gun, go in the next room and shoot your brother."
The man replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."
He also doesn't get the job.
The third man interviews, same thing happens. He thinks he's the right guy for the job and he's totally into joining the CIA. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?" He says, "Ya, I brought my wife." The interviewer tells him I want you to take this gun, go into the next room and shoot your wife."
The man replies, "Well, okay."
He goes in to the room and the interviewer hears three gunshots followed by a bunch of struggling and loud banging.
He goes in the room and says, "What are you doing!" The interviewee answers, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with the chair."
Shayari - Infotech
roz subha hum karte hai
itne pyar se unhe good morning
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 error but 5 warning
hum samajhte the woh ladki hai seedhi saadi
uska blueprint dekha to cuboid nikla
socha tha kuch bhaav denge to return milega
uska to prototype hi void nikla
tumhare samne hain itne sample
kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
hamare pyar ke icon pe
kabhi to click karo
woh samajhte hain dil tod diya
to hum dead hain
woh nahin jaante ki is dil main
aur kitne thread hain
shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye
dil ko aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye
MBT kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain
problem hai ki bus voh
read only hain
na jaane mere pyar kee
kisne laggadi sweep
aaj hamne in kiya
to nahin aayee woh beep
kaise milega tumhara saath batado
apne dil ka poora path batado
jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga
tu naa mili to tujhe
Shift delete kar doonga
I really get confused when i see a beautiful damsel
my heart always asks yes no cancel
itne pyar se unhe good morning
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 error but 5 warning
hum samajhte the woh ladki hai seedhi saadi
uska blueprint dekha to cuboid nikla
socha tha kuch bhaav denge to return milega
uska to prototype hi void nikla
tumhare samne hain itne sample
kabhi hamein bhi pick karo
hamare pyar ke icon pe
kabhi to click karo
woh samajhte hain dil tod diya
to hum dead hain
woh nahin jaante ki is dil main
aur kitne thread hain
shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye
dil ko aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye
MBT kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain
problem hai ki bus voh
read only hain
na jaane mere pyar kee
kisne laggadi sweep
aaj hamne in kiya
to nahin aayee woh beep
kaise milega tumhara saath batado
apne dil ka poora path batado
jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga
tu naa mili to tujhe
Shift delete kar doonga
I really get confused when i see a beautiful damsel
my heart always asks yes no cancel
Fastest thing in the World
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on...."
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on...."
Clinton - Tragedy
President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton,
was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton,
was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Beware of wife
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------------------A
good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* Milton Berle
--------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
--------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
--------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
--------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
--------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
--------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
--------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
--------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
--------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
--------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
--------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
--------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
--------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------------------A
good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* Milton Berle
--------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
--------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
--------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
--------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
--------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
--------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
--------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
--------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
--------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
--------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
--------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
--------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
--------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Shayari
1) aapne mere man se khela
aapne mere tan se khela
aapne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu
jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu.
magar teri bahti hui naak ne iraada badal diya
4) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
5) Woh chham chham karke aayee
Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee
Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha
Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee.
6) Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nikla (wah wah).
7) Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Splash !
8) Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
9) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
10) Khud ko kar buland itnaa
Ke' Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche
aur khuda tumse puche
'Abe sale gadhe. ab utrega kaise '
11) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
12) Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi.
13) Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
La, phawda mujhe de.(Wah Wah)
14) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
15) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath
16) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
17) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
18) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
AB HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI. Big deal!
19) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
20) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
21) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
22) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
24) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
25) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
26) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
27) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti.
28) Apple kat ta hoon knife se,
Paani peeta hoon pipe se,
Kya zamana aaa gaya,
Joote khata hoon wife se
aapne mere tan se khela
aapne mere dhan se khela
well played! well played! well played!!
2) tum aa gaye ho ;noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen
3) jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu
jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu.
magar teri bahti hui naak ne iraada badal diya
4) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
5) Woh chham chham karke aayee
Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee
Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha
Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee.
6) Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nikla (wah wah).
7) Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Splash !
8) Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
9) Gum woh cheez hai.
Gum woh cheez hai.
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai,
For example Fevicol (wah wah)
10) Khud ko kar buland itnaa
Ke' Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche
aur khuda tumse puche
'Abe sale gadhe. ab utrega kaise '
11) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.
12) Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi.
13) Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib.
La, phawda mujhe de.(Wah Wah)
14) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
15) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath
16) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.
17) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.
18) WOH SADAK KE IS PAAR THI HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE
KUCH HUM AAGE BADHE, KUCH VOH AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
HUM KUCH AUR AAGE BADHE, VOH BHI KUCH AUR AAGE BADHI
AB HUM SADAK KE US PAR THE, AUR VOH SADAK KE IS PAR THI. Big deal!
19) Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
*wah*wah*wah*wah
20) Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko
pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee
*wah*wah*wah*wah
21) Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Maine tujhse pyar kiya, tere baap ne muzhe pita
Sin theta by cos theta is equal to tan theta
*wah*wah*wah*wah*wah
22) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!
24) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad.Irshaad
25) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
IrshaadIrshaad.
26) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai
27) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti.
28) Apple kat ta hoon knife se,
Paani peeta hoon pipe se,
Kya zamana aaa gaya,
Joote khata hoon wife se
Letter from a S/W Professional
A Letter from a S/W Professional to his girl friend
Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time,I've been lonely,this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter,I just want to convey you that, if we are linked together,I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,my system will crash beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
---A Software Professional
Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time,I've been lonely,this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter,I just want to convey you that, if we are linked together,I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,my system will crash beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
---A Software Professional
Real Court scenes
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
----------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
----------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------
Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
----------------------------
Q: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
----------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
----------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
----------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------
Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
----------------------------
Q: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
----------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
What they really mean...
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,and later kills you with his bills.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atomic Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Rumour : News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Classic : An item which people praise, but do not use it.
Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gains her master's.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
IT Professional : One who gets paid for sending and receiving e-mails, like this one!
Female Logic
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....
But fairies are......female
Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....
But fairies are......female
Simple and Sweet Jokes
1.Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2.A Happy Boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year.
As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3.Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.
Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that
Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture?
Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college. Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage),
what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2.A Happy Boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year.
As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3.Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.
Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that
Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture?
Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college. Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage),
what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
Positive thinking poem
Little birdy in the sky,
You look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
You look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
After Thought
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spokewith her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs.
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front deskand told the clerk he was checking out.In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500!"
There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front deskand told the clerk he was checking out.In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500!"
There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."
Me too...
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr Clinton should say, "Iam fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.";
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, Iam Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr Clinton should say, "Iam fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.";
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, Iam Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
Ways of Rejection
Some very rude ways a woman can reject a man.
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE:I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my foot down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
SHE: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter.
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE:I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my foot down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
SHE: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter.
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
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