A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....
But fairies are......female
Simple and Sweet Jokes
1.Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2.A Happy Boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year.
As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3.Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.
Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that
Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture?
Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college. Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage),
what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2.A Happy Boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year.
As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3.Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.
Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that
Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture?
Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college. Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage),
what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
Positive thinking poem
Little birdy in the sky,
You look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
You look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
After Thought
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spokewith her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs.
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front deskand told the clerk he was checking out.In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500!"
There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front deskand told the clerk he was checking out.In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500!"
There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."
Me too...
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr Clinton should say, "Iam fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.";
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, Iam Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr Clinton should say, "Iam fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.";
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, Iam Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
Ways of Rejection
Some very rude ways a woman can reject a man.
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE:I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my foot down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
SHE: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter.
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE:I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my foot down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
SHE: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter.
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
Corruption Percentage
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked 'How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?'
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
'Can you see the river?'
'Yes'
'Can you see the bridge over it?'
'Of course', said the minister.
'10 percent', said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.
'How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
'See the river over there?'
'Sure', cried the senator.
'Can you see the bridge over it?'
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -
'No, I don't see any bridge.'
'100 percent', said the minister !!
He asked 'How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?'
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
'Can you see the river?'
'Yes'
'Can you see the bridge over it?'
'Of course', said the minister.
'10 percent', said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.
'How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
'See the river over there?'
'Sure', cried the senator.
'Can you see the bridge over it?'
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -
'No, I don't see any bridge.'
'100 percent', said the minister !!
3 Old Men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, 'I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.'
The 80 year old man says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.'
The 90 year old man says, 'At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.'
'So what's your problem?' ask the others. 'I don't wake up until nine!'
The 70 year old man says, 'I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.'
The 80 year old man says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.'
The 90 year old man says, 'At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.'
'So what's your problem?' ask the others. 'I don't wake up until nine!'
Chinese Sardar
Sardarji got his 4th child.
He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh, Father : Sikh, Kid : Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
"Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh, Father : Sikh, Kid : Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
"Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
Goal keeper
A man was walking down the street in Dublin when he heard a woman screaming and detected a faint smell of burning in the air. He ran down the street and around a corner and saw a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building, a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, was leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man stepped forward and called up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouted back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouted the man. "I am Alec Maguire.I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's National Soccer team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I've only let the ball into the net 10 times."
"What Is that all" called the woman.
"Yes!" shouted back the man. "Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goal keeper there has ever been."
And with that he adopted the goal keepers stance - legs apart, slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist, arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body with palms facing forward.
"OK !" screamed the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So with the flames roaring all around her, the woman threw the baby from the window. However the edge of the baby's shawl caught on the woman's watch sending the child spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screamed and the crowd gasped, all sure that the baby was going to perish because she was falling out of the reach of the man. Alec remained motionless as the child descended, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she came.
Then when the baby was only feet from hitting the ground the man dived a full 30 feet across the sidewalk,caught the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulled her in towards his chest and shielded her body with his left arm.
He hit the ground heavily on his right side and lay motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then slowly, he raised himself to his feet and turned to face the crowd. They were awe struck. Then the crowd erupted with cheers and the woman,still in danger herself, nearly fainted with relief. The man still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waved to the crowd,bounced the baby twice on the ground, and kicked her 60 yards down the street.
Afterall thats what a goalkeeper does.
The man stepped forward and called up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouted back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouted the man. "I am Alec Maguire.I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's National Soccer team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I've only let the ball into the net 10 times."
"What Is that all" called the woman.
"Yes!" shouted back the man. "Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goal keeper there has ever been."
And with that he adopted the goal keepers stance - legs apart, slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist, arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body with palms facing forward.
"OK !" screamed the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So with the flames roaring all around her, the woman threw the baby from the window. However the edge of the baby's shawl caught on the woman's watch sending the child spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screamed and the crowd gasped, all sure that the baby was going to perish because she was falling out of the reach of the man. Alec remained motionless as the child descended, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she came.
Then when the baby was only feet from hitting the ground the man dived a full 30 feet across the sidewalk,caught the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulled her in towards his chest and shielded her body with his left arm.
He hit the ground heavily on his right side and lay motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then slowly, he raised himself to his feet and turned to face the crowd. They were awe struck. Then the crowd erupted with cheers and the woman,still in danger herself, nearly fainted with relief. The man still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waved to the crowd,bounced the baby twice on the ground, and kicked her 60 yards down the street.
Afterall thats what a goalkeeper does.
Sardar: Lie-Detector Test
Once an Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says:"I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
Now its the Sardarji's turn and the Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says:"I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
Now its the Sardarji's turn and the Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Sardar, Twenty rupees
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train.
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So,when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, sardar went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
His wife asked "What's the matter?"
Sardar replied "The cheat on the train has took my 20 rupees and woken up someone else".
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So,when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, sardar went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
His wife asked "What's the matter?"
Sardar replied "The cheat on the train has took my 20 rupees and woken up someone else".
Two Sardarjis(pilots)
Two Sardarjis(pilots) try to land an airplane in the states.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screams "the runway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..",
"I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."
They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screams "the runway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..",
"I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."
Sardarji - Train
One Train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
On the next railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar.
He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
The Authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger!? You should have run over that person.
Sardarji said: Exactly! That is what i also decided ,but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close!
On the next railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar.
He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
The Authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger!? You should have run over that person.
Sardarji said: Exactly! That is what i also decided ,but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close!
The Gamblers
It's 2:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive
woman comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the
waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching.
Confession(s) !
John was dying. By his bed was his business partner of 45 years, Tim.
John: Before I go, I would like to make my final confession. I sold the company secrets to our competitor for a hundred thousand dollars
Tim: Don't worry about that now.
John: That time I was in a meeting in LA, I met your wife, and we had a hell of a time. I also gave her the letter she needed for the insurance. The one you hid in the dresser.
Tim: What's done is done. Your worries will soon be behind you.
John: Do you remember the dope the police found in your desk?
Tim: It's OK, John, relax. I know all of it. I'm the one who's poisoning you..
John: Before I go, I would like to make my final confession. I sold the company secrets to our competitor for a hundred thousand dollars
Tim: Don't worry about that now.
John: That time I was in a meeting in LA, I met your wife, and we had a hell of a time. I also gave her the letter she needed for the insurance. The one you hid in the dresser.
Tim: What's done is done. Your worries will soon be behind you.
John: Do you remember the dope the police found in your desk?
Tim: It's OK, John, relax. I know all of it. I'm the one who's poisoning you..
Clinic: Test
Two guys were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying like anything, so the other asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
One of them was crying like anything, so the other asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
Dont ever be late
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
Heights of Customer Service
This funny incident with Customer Service of a popular bank was picked from the net.
Check the heights of Customer Service...
My Aunt died this past January.
XxxxBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
Charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to XxxxBank:
The conversation….
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
XxxxBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
XxxxBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
XxxxBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her being dead?"
XxxxBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
XxxxBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
XxxxBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
XxxxBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
XxxxBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help"
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I suppose...I don't really think she will care!"
XxxxBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
(What the…!!)
XxxxBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
XxxxBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"
XxxxBank Hung Up!!!~*~
P.S: (Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......)
Check the heights of Customer Service...
My Aunt died this past January.
XxxxBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
Charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to XxxxBank:
The conversation….
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
XxxxBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
XxxxBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
XxxxBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her being dead?"
XxxxBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
XxxxBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
XxxxBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
XxxxBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
XxxxBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help"
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I suppose...I don't really think she will care!"
XxxxBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
(What the…!!)
XxxxBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
XxxxBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"
XxxxBank Hung Up!!!~*~
P.S: (Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......)
Impress woman vs. man
To impress a WOMAN
How to Impress a MAN
JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS
- Compliment her
- Respect her
- Honor her,
- Cuddle her,
- Caress her,
- Love her,
- Comfort her,
- Protect her,
- Hold her,
- Spend money on her,
- Wine and dine her,
- Buy things for her,
- Listen to her,
- Care for her,
- Stand by her,
- Support her,
- Hold her,
- Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to Impress a MAN
JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS
Get caught
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?
HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?
HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE
HUSBAND: "SHIT!"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?
HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."
WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?
HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE
HUSBAND: "SHIT!"
Sardar in Heaven
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though
it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get
only 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though
it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get
only 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
How much can you contribute!
A man is caught in a traffic jam, when suddenly someone taps on the window of his car.
He lowers the window and asked what he wants.
The man says, "Indian Cricket Team is kidnapped and the ransom is 50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the Team with Petrol and set them on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to contribute ?
The man in the car asks, "On an average what are people donating ?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 litres....!!"
He lowers the window and asked what he wants.
The man says, "Indian Cricket Team is kidnapped and the ransom is 50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the Team with Petrol and set them on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to contribute ?
The man in the car asks, "On an average what are people donating ?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 litres....!!"
Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
PJ: Mickey Ramayana
One day, Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him Ramayana.
Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana.
Mickey Mouse continues to listen.
After completing the whole Ramayan, Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse,
"Mickey Mouse, tell me...who was the father of Lord Ram?"
Mickey Mouse cannot.
Angry, Donald duck, again asks,
"Mickey Mouse!!! tell me...what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"
Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.
Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and Mickey Mouse goes and collides with a wall.
As soon as he collides with the wall, he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana from start to end....
How did this happen???
SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER
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After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes Wall-Mickey(Valmiki) :))))
P.S. Valmiki is the author of Ramayana
Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana.
Mickey Mouse continues to listen.
After completing the whole Ramayan, Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse,
"Mickey Mouse, tell me...who was the father of Lord Ram?"
Mickey Mouse cannot.
Angry, Donald duck, again asks,
"Mickey Mouse!!! tell me...what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"
Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.
Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and Mickey Mouse goes and collides with a wall.
As soon as he collides with the wall, he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana from start to end....
How did this happen???
SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes Wall-Mickey(Valmiki) :))))
P.S. Valmiki is the author of Ramayana
NewtonsLaws to the Software World.
Law - 1. Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.
Law - 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law - 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus Law - 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Law - 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law - 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus Law - 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Passport details revealed!
I just can’t believe this website.
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport
They hold the passport details of people in the world. Just give the first name, Last name and the
country you are living. It gives your Passport Details.
How is this possible?
Where is the security for the Government Database of each country?
Can anybody answer...??
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport
They hold the passport details of people in the world. Just give the first name, Last name and the
country you are living. It gives your Passport Details.
How is this possible?
Where is the security for the Government Database of each country?
Can anybody answer...??
Little Bobby - Bike
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
The one you Love
Keep staring at the picture, if you truly love someone then you would see his/her picture in the frame.
Try it out :)
It worked for so many people. Seriously !!
Try it out :)
It worked for so many people. Seriously !!
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