An Ex-wifes Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. 

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was, he agreed on a  Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she  were to sign the papers that very day. 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... 

 




........including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Humor on Job

Boss: Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: Not you anymore. 

Never Argue With Kids

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago" .
________________________________

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
_______________________________
 
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
________________________________

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother."I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
________________________________
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
________________________________
 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture." Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
________________________________
 
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!"
________________________________

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Pudding Robbery

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people….."

Oldman Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample  and a stool sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Sardar: Jokes Apart

We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the most hard working prosperous and diversified communities in the world. My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During last vacation, my few friends went to Delhi. They rented a taxi
for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man. But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The
Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, ''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.'

My friend continued, ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't
find a single Sardar begging anywhere.'

MORAL:
The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness
to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry,............ but he will never beg on the streets. Isn't this very thought provoking?

Note: This too is a forwarded email and is not written by me. But I have to agree that I havent come across a sardar beggar till now.

Three Men on a Plane

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

Highway 35

Two pensioners are driving on a highway. Their wives are sitting on the back seats. They drive with no more than 35 miles per hour. A policeman stops the car and says: "Why are you driving so slowly?"

Grandpa: "We are driving only 35 because this is highway 35!"

Policeman: "The number of the highway stands in no relationship with the speed limit. But… Why do the two women on the back seats look so frightened? Is everything all right with them?"

Grandpa: "They just look like this because we are coming from highway 160!"

Drunk Bastard

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'. 

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. 

Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' 

Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. 

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?' 
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'. 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Anil 
"Well just relax and let it happen" said Rooster

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. 

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed"

Politicians Brain

A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.

"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

"Not exactly" replied the surgeon, "The politician's has never been used."

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Golf Tip

Try this for when you do Golfing next time.


http://view.break.com/561428

Driving Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.

“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

Yankee Fan

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Blonde Joke: Suicide

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.

"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Smart Electrician

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

God rest his soul.

Chineese Restroom Sign

Difference Between Sexes



Following are some suggestions of BBC News Online readers for the difference between sexes. These differences are interesting, please read on...

  • Women have the Oh dear, the toilet paper is on its last sheet; must replace it immediately gene. This is entirely absent in men who have the Oh s..t! Can you pass me a toilet roll, love? gene!
  • Ask a woman in the street how to get somewhere and she will direct via shops. Ask a man and it will be via pubs
  • When faced with flat-pack furniture, men never read the manual. Yet they spend hours reading manuals for cars or bikes they will never own.
  • Men can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the bin, without noticing it is full.
  • Women know when all you want is a glass of wine, nodding sympathy and a good whinge. Men offer a solution.
  • Men cannot watch sports and talk to their wives at the same time.
  • If you told a woman that you had just returned from a trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her interest by asking who you had gone with.
  • Men do not even bother to look for something, then ask where it is and hope that it was the woman who put it away
  • When men want something they ask for it. When women want something they make a point distantly related to the subject and wait for a response.
  • Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones that make you feel really bad and guilty until you surrender
  • Men can watch an entire film without having to ask who is that, what does he do?
  • Women pee together. Men do not acknowledge, let alone speak, to each other when peeing.
  • Men can drive without having to look at themselves in the mirror.
  • Women can get by with 10 or 20 CDs. Men need 200 plus.

For complete story follow the link.

Unbelievable Illusion

Are you good in identifying colors ?

If yes.. then try this one. This illusion is surely unbelievable.



Funny SMS Messages

January to December
Sunday to Saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed...
U...
R...
Always...
a HEADACHE to me !!!!

............

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me I 'll take u an eye specialist !!

............

Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds..... .
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a fool.

............

I wrote ur name on the sands...
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air...
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart...
i got a HEART ATTACK

............

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But don't worry - we are chain smokers

............

ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur innocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best

............

True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain
& u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock


ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

............

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKEY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK


I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water !! ;)

............

when i call u;
1 ring means I'm thinking of u;
2 ring means I like u;
3 means I miss u;
4 means ... pick d phone idiot

............

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !

............

The human brain is most outstanding thing...
it functions 24hrs 365 days...
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love

............

SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality


SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards

............

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

............

History Teacher : From where to where did the Mughals rule ?
Student : Teacher, I am not sure but I think from page 15 to 26

............

Teacher: U are a failure! At ur age, Bill gates stood first in the class
Student: Mind u, Sir, but at ur age Hitler had committed suicide.

Dog Race

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Pretend Married

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

Nollywood by Pieter Hugo

Nollywood - Nigerian film industry. Pictures by Pieter Hugo

Laurel & Hardy - Funny Dance

Very funny dance by Laurel and Hardy.

Fairy Tales

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected...' "

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Sardar - Vacation

Banta Singh and Santa Singh were discussing about Banta's Vacation.
Banta tells Santa, "I'm ready for a vacation. But this year I'll do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Goa. I went to Goa and my wife got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Ooty, and my wife got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Manali and my wife again got pregnant."

Santa asks Banta, "So, what will you do this year?"

Banta says, "This year I'm taking my wife with me."

Little Jhonny - Role Call

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

Always On Time

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

Little Jhonny - Stupid or Being smart

Little Johnny used to hang out at the local corner market.

The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

Do you know your Staff

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!"

Right Person - Right Job?

How To Put The Right Person In The Right Job?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

(a) If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - Put Them In Accounts.
(b) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - Put Them In Engineering.
(c) If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - Put Them In Planning.
(d) If they are throwing the bricks at each other - Put Them In Operations.
(e) If they are sleeping - Put Them In Security.
(f) If they have broken! the bricks into pieces - Put Them In Information Technology.
(g) If they are sitting idle - Put Them In The Human Resource Department.
(h) If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - Put Them In The Materials Department.
(i) If they have already left for the day - Put Them In Marketing.
(j) If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has moved - Put Them In Top Management!!!

Bald Celebrities

Ever wanted to see your favorite celebrities as Bald ?




Here is a collection of photos of Bald Celebrities.

Robot Paintings

Amazing Paintings created using Photoshop. Old paintings are edited and some characters are replaced with Robots, cartoons...





Click here to watch more paintings...

Amazing Human Mind

Aoccdrnig to a rsaeerch at a Birsith Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmotnat tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Whose Baby

Now whose baby is this ?

Funny Taxi



More Funny Car Pics here.

Always There

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"