Like the way you Think

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

By all means... MARRY!


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive. "

Salary Hike

There was heavy rush in the bus...One man was taking advantage of the situation... he was touching a lady standing near by him.

Lady turned to him and said "you are touching your thing to me"

Man : "Please do not misunderstand...it is actually my salary in my pocket"

Lady : "Oh that's great.. you got salary hike 5 times in last 10 mins."

Geography of women

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America .
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan .
Very hot, wise and beautiful !

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia .
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia .
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Right Mail - Wrong Female

NEVER SEND A RIGHT MAIL TO A WRONG FEMALE

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've reached

Date: November 30, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here;
we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.I've just reached and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW !

Your loving Hubby

How to Impress?

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

Computer - Male or Female ?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Who is right the men or woman?

George Bush - School

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

I have 3 questions. First, why did USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand.

George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

I have 5 questions… First, why did USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where is "Bob"?

Romantic Husband?

 
A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH, HE GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP. HE CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED "DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"?

THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS*

welcome to Air Deccan

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.

This is your captain PATEL welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air Deccan.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

We have an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and Wada paaw. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Kingfisher Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible.  For the best view, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.  


Dirty Mind

See the image below...



Now read on...
Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such scenario. What they will see are the nine dophins. Additional note: This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupted mind. If it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 3 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted.

Terrible weather

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour. Few minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Women and IT

Reason why Women cannot work in IT.

All they need in life is a reflecting surface... ???

Seven wonders

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids, 2. Taj Mahal, 3. Grand Canyon, 4. Panama Canal, 5. Empire State Building, 6. St. Peter's Basilica, 7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
  • To See
  • To Hear
  • To Touch
  • To Taste
  • To Feel
  • To Laugh
  • and To Love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

Penguin message

Want to send a personal note/message to your dear and near?

Here is a penguin to help you with that.

Human Mind

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating.
It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear.



This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

Hallmark cards... Fun Inside

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me .

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

1 7. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

Definition of Girlfriend

Jo har baat par tok-tok kar
tumhari har aadat badal de,
aur ek saal baad bole
“ab tum pehle jaise nahi rahe”

Birthday present

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday" she said. "Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 within 4 seconds"
"... and I would prefer a blue one please!"

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought.

Click here to see the present

Life after death

BOSS said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
 "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

BOSS:
"Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

(dedicated to woman on this womans day)

Marriage - Fun

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage... it is self-defense!
-------------------------------
Its difficult 2 understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
-------------------------------
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
-------------------------------
It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
-------------------------------
A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
-------------------------------
Sagaai hui... Shaadi Hui... Biwi ghar main aayi...
ghar SWARG ban gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI...
-------------------------------
Mayawati came to Lallu's house with a goat.
Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?
Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?
Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.

Coffee or Cup ?

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to
help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups.

Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead :)

3 Differences

Find 3 differences in the 2 pictures

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Ten Best Things


TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk !

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen"

Roles - Definitions (s/w)

Project Manager - Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one  month.

Developer - Person who thinks it will take 18 months to  deliver a baby.

Onsite Coordinator - One who thinks single woman can  deliver nine babies in one month.

Client - The one who doesn't know  why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager - Person who thinks he can  deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team - Thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a  child with zero resources.

Documentation Team - Thinks they don't  care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor - The person who is never happy with the process to produce a  baby.

Friendly Stranger

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide! "

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

Here comes the day ...

Here comes the day... which is not mine,
as i dont have any valentine.
things happened in the past which are not fine.
rainy days for me even when the sun shine.
 
no girl to propose,
no aroma of rose,
no chance for my bike to give lift,
no special person to give gift.
no miss is there to miss
no experience of kiss.
no dinner in the moon light.
no chance to have the day bright.
 
 
even though i dont fall in love
i will always bow to love.
wishing great time to ppl who are in love
 

" Wish u a happy valentines day"

Love is ...

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire... continues with smoke... and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers ;-)

Workoholic

A funny video about a chinese person who has become soooo workoholic that he has forgot his own personal life.
Watch this video to find out how workoholic he has become.

Latest Poem in School

Twinkle Twinkle little STAR.
I Just went to Royal Bar.
Quarter Rates are up so HIGH.
So Drink a beer with Chicken FRY.

Talk to Sanjiv

Talk to Funny Sanjiv, working at Nevashut Gas Station.
See if you can win all the Pringles...

Waterfall Model

The waterfall model is a software development model (a process for the creation of software) in which development is seen as flowing steadily downwards (like a waterfall) through the phases of
Requirements
|___Design
|___Implementation
|___Testing
|___Integration
|___Maintenance

The following picture will illustrate the implementation of this model.

Lawyer & Sheriff

A lawyer breaks red signal and gets pulled to a side by sheriff deputy. Lawyer thinks to have a little fun (he thinks he is more educated than him) at deputy's expense.

Sheriff : license and registration please
Lawyer : what for
Sheriff : sir, u didnt stop at red light, license and registration please
Lawyer : i did slow down, and no body was coming anyway
Sheriff : sir, but still u didnt stop at red light, license and registration please
Lawyer : whats the difference
Sheriff : difference is you have to stop at red signal, its the law, not slow down, now can i pls have ur license and registration
Lawyer : if you tell me legal difference between "stop" and "slow down", ill show you my license and registration and you can then issue a ticket, if not....ill not show  and you wont issue ticket

now seeing this...
Sheriff : please step out of the vehicle sir.

and deputy pulls out his black night-stick and starts banging the hell out at lawyer's body crazily and says...now do you want me to "stop" or "slow down"....!!!!!!

Ghostly Car Ad

Make sure you read the info below before you view the video and turn up the volume if you can.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot. The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.


Watch the front end of the car closely as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road....Spooky!

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about it near the end of the commercial. A little creepy but it seems to be authentic!

German vs Arab

Really Funny marketing video showing the German engineering vs Arab technology.

Asian BSB

This is a very funny mocking adaptation of Backstreet Boys.

Asian Backstreet Boys

Window washer or Roller coaster

Afterall everyone need some excitement in their life ;)

This is real, happened at DenverPlace - Plaza Tower



http://www.fazed.org/video/view/?id=137