Put the glass down
A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.
He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you
think this glass weighs?'
'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.
'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my
question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few
minutes?'
'Nothing' the students said.
'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the
professor asked.
'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.
'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'
'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;
Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the
students laughed.
'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked
The professor. 'No' the students said.
Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'
The students were puzzled.
'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.
'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.
Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.
Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even
longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do
anything.
It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before
you go to sleep.
That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong &
can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'
Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!
Old woman and dog in a train
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular;
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American
should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'I say, old boy, you
Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of
the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of
the window.'
How to recruit right person for a Job
Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyze The situation.
If they are counting the Bricks.
Put them in the accounts Department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the Bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks Into pieces.
Put them in information Technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has Been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for The day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick Has been Moved
Congratulate them and put them In top management.
What World Meant for a New Yorker
Magazine cover of "The New Yorker" depicting what Rest of the World means to a New Yorker.
Womens ultimate fantasy
In a recent online poll 38,562 men across continents were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. Almost 98% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Out of Office Responses
1) I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2) I'm not really out of office. I'm just ignoring you.
3) You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If i was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4) Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5) I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7) The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9) Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10) Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11) I've run away to join a different circus.
And finally this is the best one:
12) I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Laura' instead of 'Steve '
30 Minutes Wish
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Salary Axiom
A shopkeeper watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have a dozen soaps and a shampoo, please. The money is with the Dog." The shopkeeper looks inside and to his surprise there is a 500 rupees note there. So he takes the money and puts the soaps and shampoo in a bag and places it in the dog's mouth.
The shopkeeper is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.
So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the shopkeeper following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The shopkeeper is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The shopkeeper follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The shopkeeper is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The shopkeeper watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The shopkeeper surprised with this, runs up, and tops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
Moral: You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all. :)
Cat walking back home
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!
Moral: "How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you.... "
Funny Leave Applications
IT Company , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
--------------------
This is from another IT Company, Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
--------------------
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
--------------------
From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
--------------------
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"
--------------------
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
--------------------
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
--------------------
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
--------------------
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
--------------------
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
--------------------
Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
--------------------
Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
--------------------
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.
Recession - Cubicle Decoration
Cubicle in an MNC company, suffering from recession.....
All the Employees have decorated their Cubicle...
Let's see who has won the Best Cubicle....
On Bench without having a project..............
Runner up ...
and the winner is....
All the Employees have decorated their Cubicle...
Let's see who has won the Best Cubicle....
On Bench without having a project..............
Runner up ...
and the winner is....
If You Love Someone
THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was ....
THE NEW VERSIONS ARE ...
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back .
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why ..
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ..
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ...
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.
MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis
Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market .
Stranger in my House
This is very interesting and not the ending I had expected!!!!
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
Adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
Talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular
Basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
Adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
Talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular
Basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
---------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
---------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
---------------------
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .
---------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
---------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
---------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started...
Kids Diary: Cup Of Tea
From a kid's diary:
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was may be 2½ years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
...........
Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Shayari - kamar ki lachak
Uski kamar ki lachak dekh
moo se nikli haai,
Uski kamar ki lachak dekh
moo se nikli haai,
Uski bhai ki muscle dekh
maine kahan bye.
Complex Problems - Simple Thinking
1. When NASA began launching astronauts into space, they found out that the astronauts' pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink wouldn't flow down to the writing surface). It took them one decade and $12 million to solve this problem. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on practically any surface including crystal, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
And what did the Russians do? The Russians used a pencil.
2. One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management techniques was the case of the empty soap box, which occurred in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line, to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount of time and money to do so.
But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into the complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution.. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
3. A 50 feet long trailer having 48" wheels got stuck while entering a midtown tunnel in New York because it was approximately 0.2 feet taller than the height of the tunnel. The fire department and the state department of transportation spent the whole day searching for a solution, to no avail.
Then a child, aged about 9 years, asked his father, "Why can't they take out the air from the tyre tubes? The height will automatically come down."
Moral: Always look for simple solutions. And learn to focus on solutions, not on problems.
Reduce Weight
One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day.
So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.
They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym.
This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
"If I catch you, you're mine."
What a story, please dont cry
> A boy and a girl loved each other very much..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> One day they were talking and by chance the boy touched the girls hand.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Later the girl touched the boys hand
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> What a touching story !!!!
Blonde on a plane
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Pacific Ocean.
All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is third bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
Ant Story - Management Overhead
A very good presentation that can be related to what is happening in many organizations.
Click on the image to view the presentation.
Click on the image to view the presentation.
Smart, or Stupid Questions
These are some stupid questions... but they will make you think.
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Can you cry under water?
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
- If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Whats a question with no answer called?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
- Why is a square meal served on round plates?
- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up 10 times every hour?
- Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Late Night Jokes on Bush
Jay Leno
* America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, "former President George Bush," President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
* Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, O.K.? When our enemies start dying of natural causes.
* "President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes."
* "The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world."
* "It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back."
DAVID LETTERMAN
* Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on Jan. 21, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.
* By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: "Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years."
* President Bush had his final press conference, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown.
* I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction.
* It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush's approval rating.
CONAN O'BRIEN
* Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, "My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, "What was your greatest achievement as President?"
* Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected.
Jimmy Kimmel
* President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint.
* The President was on "Larry King" last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance.
* I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?
* Let me tell you something, it was an historic day — I think that's the right way to say it, in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he went, "Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office."
* President Bush made history by becoming the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it ever since he heard that in China, people aren't allowed to make fun of political leaders.
Craig Ferguson
* Bush was amazing. You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes?
* America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, "former President George Bush," President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
* Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, O.K.? When our enemies start dying of natural causes.
* "President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes."
* "The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world."
* "It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back."
DAVID LETTERMAN
* Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on Jan. 21, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.
* By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: "Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years."
* President Bush had his final press conference, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown.
* I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction.
* It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush's approval rating.
CONAN O'BRIEN
* Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, "My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, "What was your greatest achievement as President?"
* Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected.
Jimmy Kimmel
* President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint.
* The President was on "Larry King" last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance.
* I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?
* Let me tell you something, it was an historic day — I think that's the right way to say it, in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he went, "Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office."
* President Bush made history by becoming the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it ever since he heard that in China, people aren't allowed to make fun of political leaders.
Craig Ferguson
* Bush was amazing. You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)